I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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