happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
