Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
