I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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