Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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