Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
