I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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