My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
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Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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