I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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