Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
