Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
