I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
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i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
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Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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