hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
