My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
