Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
