I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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