Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
