I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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