the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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