i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
