this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
3 2 1 whiskey
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
