It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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