dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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