I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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