My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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