batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
