I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
