you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
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Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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