Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
