I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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