If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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