I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
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He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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