Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
