The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
