Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
