You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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