Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
