I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
