Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
