Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
