textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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