i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize