it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
