A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
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Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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