If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
