he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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