i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
