Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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