Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
