Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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