you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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