When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
