My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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