I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
