walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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