new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
